A quote for your thoughts...

"Each time you love, love as deeply as if it were forever."

Audre Lorde.

Happy February! 

Little Too Little, Little Too Late

I walked into a conversation this afternoon about the latest LGBT bullying related suicide. I quickly found out that it was a Minnesota teen who died on Saturday morning. With these basic facts, my mind immediately went on high alert. I grew up in Minnesota, I know plenty of young people who live there. Then the conversation got more specific--it was a boy from Jefferson High School. What? I graduated from Jefferson High School. What if I knew this boy? Passed him in the hallway when he was a freshman? What if his locker was near my old one? Could he have known my favorite teacher? I started to wonder--what does it mean for me to be spending so much of my energy on Stop the Silence, an LGBT anti-bullying campaign, and spending so much of my time planning Break the Silence, Wisconsin, a statewide march addressing homophobia and transphobia, when a young man that I easily could have known took his own life because the level of intolerance that he faced on a daily basis became too much?

Stop the Silence was started in response to a string of LGBTQ suicides that took place in September and October of 2010. We are now passing quickly through January and once again, a boy's body is being buried. His family will never again be able to give him a hug. Friends unable to tell him a funny story or ask for his advice. He will never have the chance to hold his diploma, have dinner with a significant other or pursue his dreams. Lance Lundsten, with his beautiful and welcoming smile, will never be able to see it get better.

After reading the article about his death for myself, I realized that the Jefferson High School this boy went to was not the same as the one I graduated from. Well that's a relief, right? He's not connected to me in any way, not a friend of one of my friends, nor is he the brother of someone in my graduating class. For a split second, those thoughts danced through my brain. I soon realized, however, that his connection to me is far deeper than any high school alumni or six degrees of separation could ever wish to form.

The word "my" becomes shockingly insignificant when thinking about the reasons for this boy's death. Homophobia and transphobia have an extremely powerful effect on communities all around the world, they may play out in unique ways, but one thing remains the same wherever or whoever you are--hatred directed toward a salient aspect of one's identity is always experienced in negative ways. For this boy, and the countless others who saw death as their only escape from a world that is so cold and unable to accept them for who they are, bullying was not a minor part of their day. The people who picked on them, called them names, tripped them in the hallway, and made their lives miserable in countless other ways, may not have seen their actions as anything major. They may have enjoyed causing pain but thought it only temporary and fun. Unfortunately, as this situation and the countless others like it demonstrate, one person's fun can all too easily come at the price of another's life.

I am tired of reading about suicides. I am sick of thinking about the loss of a young person's life because of other people's ignorance. Please stop the silence. Please speak up. It doesn't matter if you identify as LGBT or not. It doesn't matter if you've never experienced bullying in your personal life. Speak up for those whose voices are silenced. Bullying affects each and every one of us because it is the manifestation of hatred. It needs to end.

Think about ways you can make it better. Write your school administrators and tell them why policies need to be put in place that prevent bullying. Stand up for people whenever you feel safe doing so. If you're in Wisconsin, show solidarity with thousands of others by attending Break the Silence, Wisconsin on April 15th. Use facebook and other online networking sites as advocacy tools letting your friends know that you do not support anti-LGBTQ attitudes and behaviors or harassment of any kind. Think about your actions, the words you use, and the messages you send.

Peace be with the friends and family of Lance as well as anyone who must deal with the effects of living in a culture that actively supports homophobia and transphobia. There are so many issues and problems plaguing our world, why does this have to be one of them? Love the people around you for who they are--that's one of the most important things we can all be doing on a daily basis.

I posed the question in my first paragraph asking what this boy's death means for me as one of the founding members of an LGBTQ anti-bullying campaign and primary organizers of Break the Silence, Wisconsin. So what does it mean? It means that our work is more important now than ever before. It means that bullying may have fallen out of the public eye, but the problems clearly persist. And most of all, it reminds me that the sadness associated with this news goes hand in hand with the power and unity that will radiate from the state of Wisconsin on April 15, 2011. There should not be one individual in the world who ever feels like taking their own life is the answer--help us end the fear. Help us remove homophobia and transphobia from their comfortable spot in our culture. Help us stop the silence. 

Building a Mystery

On January 1st 2009, I spent the day creating a collage that symbolically and explicitly laid out exactly the path I wanted to take throughout the new year. It is still hanging on my wall and after two years, still inspires me to find happiness in the only way I know how to--by being as compassionate with myself as I am with the ones I love. 

The last few days of 2009 and early beginning of 2010 found me in a place that at the time, I could not understand. I wanted, perhaps needed, something in my life. Something was missing. I felt lacking in a way that is difficult to describe and the only way I could address it was by making plans to incorporate more free-spirited adventure into my life. For most of January 2010, I wanted nothing more than to pack up my backpack, hop a train to anywhere, and go. My New Year's Resolution was to be honest with myself and with the world while opening my heart to love--I acknowledged my fear of getting close to people and decided to break down that wall in 2010. 

January 1st is my favorite day of any year. It opens the door for reflection, evaluation and change.  Granted, it is merely an arbitrary day on the calendar and any day of the year can open the door to these things if you let it. Yet, I appreciate the demands of the calendar and embrace this time of year as a gift with which I can look at my life from a more detached perspective, through a wider lens, and by doing so, shift the direction of my path if necessary.

Now, I sit here. January 4th 2011. And I struggle to make the adjustments that my journey is calling for. I've been thinking very hard about what I want to bring going into 2011. What baggage I want to carry with and what I want to leave at the door.

For some reason this year, I am having a difficult time letting go of the baggage I want to leave behind. It's clinging to me.

Perhaps the words "baggage" and "clinging" are inappropriate. If I am reluctant to release the things that I'm carrying, then it is quite possible that I have not yet completed my work with them. Perhaps these things do not feel the same pressure of the calendar that I so enjoy. Maybe for them, January 1st means nothing--except that we still have a trip to take together and it will be taken throughout 2011 instead of 2010.

I'm okay with that. Despite the struggle that it has been, I've come up with a few resolutions. They may seem simple, but at this point in my life, they are exactly what I need:

1. Live Openly.
2. Love Completely.
3. Laugh Often.
4. Be Happy.
5. Be Compassionate.

I don't want to play games with the world. I want to realize my oneness with everything around me and to do so, I will work to break through the wall that guards my soul from pain, sadness, true happiness, and love. I've realized that we are all bound together by love, but it's all too easy to close yourself off to this connective energy. I have to learn, or perhaps relearn, that I can be awake to the world, remain acutely aware of its problems, and strive to make positive change while still being happy in my own individual life.

I bring nothing to the world if I let the injustice that plagues society plague my soul and my spirit. It's a hard balance to find, however I truly believe that compassion is what it takes. I cannot judge myself harsher than I do others. I  cannot expect to have all of the answers--I must realize that there is always more than one answer. I will take my life less seriously, it's only life after all (thank you, Indigo Girls). I must accept the constantly changing nature of the universe and embrace the fact that this moment is only one of many that make up my journey. 

For 2011, my challenge to myself is to remain congruent--to recognize the long, winding road ahead while committing myself to the things I'm passionate about right now. To Live in the present with arms and heart wide open. To stop and reflect along the way and to have Fun. 

It'll be great. Just Wait.

We Live and Learn from all Mistakes...

I was at the Farmer's Market yesterday morning when I realized that christmas is now less than a week away. I've become rather detached from the actual holiday that is christmas (formally for religious reasons, now more so for the fact that it is the epitome of capitalism), however this time of year is significant to me for two reasons. First, the coming of a new year is something that always puts me in an intensely reflective mood and encourages me to evaluate my choices, actions, growth, and change over the past 365.25 days. Secondly, this time of year seems to bring out the love between people--christmas songs increasingly focus on relationships or romantic attractions, the cold weather I think makes us biologically inclined to seek warmth in our closeness with others, and there is that overwhelming message that forces people to think of the ones they love over the holiday season.

A combination of my two points listed above cause me to reflect on the relationships I've fostered, with myself and others, over the course of this year. To be honest, 2010 was a crazy long year. I can say with confidence that no year has seen me grow so much as this one has. I thought it'd be interesting to lay out 2010 by each month's contribution to the year as a whole...

January and early February were rough...and confusing..and scary...but after coming out as a lesbian to my family over my birthday weekend in mid-February, the year transformed into one of self-discovery and immense personal compassion. I had the opportunity to construct my identity openly and honestly, I experienced what it means to be in love with someone for the first time, and I found a bundle of confidence that had been hidden within me for the past 19 years. It's amazing to consider how much our identity and our culture's response to it influences the way we think about ourselves--the early part of 2010 really pushed me to understand this.

March, April, and May were three months of my life that I couldn't really tell you what happened--all I know is that I felt balanced. I was learning about myself and I was happy doing it.

June, July, and August were spent at home with my family. I had an intensely difficult, yet extremely wonderful time baby sitting my little sister and living under the roof of my mom for the first time since starting college. In all honesty, the summer was hard for me. It was a unique transition from the independent self-led life that I had been so comfortable in while at school, to a structured existence with responsibilities to other people rather than myself. I had changed a lot over the course of the school year, my mind was opened to things I never even considered before and bringing all of that back to the life I used to live was difficult. I struggled to combine all of my new experiences and discoveries with the place I grew up in--or more appropriately, the person I grew up as.

September. Oh September. Coming back to school after three months away. Moving into an apartment. Seeing old friends that had disappeared from my life for the time I was away. Falling in love all over again with this city and everything that comes with this city--September was an interesting mixture of excitement, pain, happiness, comfort, and adjustment.

October and November went too quickly. I'm troubled by the way these two months went, primarily because I'm not sure how that was. On the bright side, I found an intense passion for the work I was doing to end LGBTQ bullying. Stop the Silence came into my life and changed my direction, it allowed me the freedom to address the huge cultural problems of homophobia and transphobia in a constructive way. One year ago, I would not have pictured myself in a position to work so intimately and passionately with these issues; although sad that we have to be fighting for safety and equality in the first place, I am grateful that my journey has brought me to a place on the forefront of this movement to make change and ensure justice for members of the LGBTQ community, including myself.

And that brings me to December. December has seen me do a lot of questioning and challenging. In stark contrast to this month 2009, the questions and challenges I've posed this December are not oriented inward but rather outward--Of our culture. Of my place at this university. Of traditions and accepted social constructions. Of other people and my relationships with them. Of labels and categories and identities. I suppose all of those are related to my inner journey, but within the larger context of society.

And that was 2010, it actually seems rather short when you cut entire three month spans into a modest paragraph. As the New Year draws closer, I would like to post a forward-thinking entry with my hopes and expectations for 2011. In the meantime, more reflection and evaluation are sure to consume my brain. I encourage everyone else to do the same, it's quite freeing and powerful to think of your life as a long journey that consistently changes directions and forces you to adjust, grow, find balance, lose it, and then figure out how the heck you'll find it again. shalom. 

So Hard When it Doesn't Come Easy

I've been thinking a lot lately about work and inequality in America. For my sociology class, we had to read Barbara Ehrenreich's ethnographic study called Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting by in America (2001). The author spends time in various cities "undercover" as a low-wage worker; the goal of her study was to find out what it's like to make a living at minimum wage in the United States. She encounters issues with housing, eating, self-respect, and basic civil rights. This video--Nickel and Dimed--is an interesting mini-dramatic-documentary that does a nice (and maybe a little bit creepy) job illustrating the project that Ehrenreich undertook.


We must evaluate our dependency on the labor and actions of others. Think about the people who clean our bathrooms, scrub our floors, clean up our trash, serve us coffee, cook our food, ring up our groceries, put away the clothes we discard after leaving the fitting room....all of these people are underpaid and giving up their time and energy so that others can live more comfortably and cheaply.

I feel ashamed. Why do we allow our country to run this way? Why do we call a waitressing job "unskilled" when it requires constant running, smiling, talking, organizing, listening...for numerous hours every day? That takes skill. It's physically and emotionally draining; not to mention stressful, fast-paced, and high-risk. But if it were considered "skilled" labor, the wages offered to those in the waitressing profession would have to be higher--and when all that companies care about is the bottom line, terminology is key.

When a person must work multiple jobs to barely stay afloat. There's a problem. When "67% of adults requesting emergency food aid are people with jobs" (Ehrenreich 219). There is a problem. When employers are allowed to disregard safety regulations and labor laws because they rely on immigrant workers who are vulnerable to an oppressive and threatening system. We have a huge problem. When a full time job doesn't pay enough for even one person to live on..not even factoring in children, healthcare, or quality housing, food, clothes, transportation, etc. People, we have a problem! 

We have to take a stand or it's only going to get worse. Just today, California approved the usage of methyl iodide on strawberry farms. This pesticide is a known carcinogen and has numerous other negative effects on health--who is going to suffer most from its usage? The people applying it. The farm workers who will be exposed to it at close range for ten hours a day; these people have no job security, make low-wages, rarely have any form of health coverage or benefits...yet, their work gives the rest of us perfect strawberries. Talk about philanthropy. How can this even be legal?...is it because the workers are largely migrants so their health doesn't matter? Try telling that to a young pregnant woman who looses her baby from exposure to this fumigant that was proven to induce late-term miscarriages before even being considered by the Department of Pesticide Regulation. Sign the Petition to persuade California against using this harmful chemical.

As quoted in the video, the author closes her book with: "Someday...they [the working poor] are bound to tire of getting so little in return and to demand to be paid what they're worth. There'll be a lot of anger when that day comes, and strikes and disruption. But the sky will not fall, and we will all be better off for it in the end."

That "someday" that Ehrenreich referred to, it better come soon.

*Also as a side, yet highly relevant, note--check out: Dream Act 2010 to help make a difference for students who are connected closely with some of the issues I talked about above.

Because our love is strong...

Buddha once said, "Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind." 

With the same idea in mind, a Christian theologian named Lewis Smedes says, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you."

And Mahatma Gandhi adds that, "the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." 

It seems to be the common consensus that forgiveness is one of the many secrets to personal growth and inner strength. I have a couple of questions about this:

1. Where is the connection between forgiveness and forgetting? They seem to be tied together a lot of the time. If you forget without forgiving, are you still carrying that burden on your mind?...are you still a prisoner waiting to be freed? Can you ever fully forget if you never forgive?

2. Why is the emphasis always put on forgiving instead of apologizing? We seem to think of forgiveness as this noble duty that people should always strive for. But if you've been wronged and the cause of it has never extended an apology, why is it your burden to forgive? Gandhi says it makes you strong, but I don't know that it's fair to call someone weak for not releasing another of the wrong they've done them without first receiving compensatory regards. 

I hold the concept of forgiveness on somewhat of a pedestal. I do think that you will never be fully free of something until you forgive, but I also think that forgiveness isn't 100% necessary to forget. In addition, I don't think that you're obligated to forgive someone if you haven't been offered a sincere and honest apology--that goes the opposite way too though, if you have been offered the apology, then pure forgiveness should be your ultimate goal. 

I guess what I'm feeling is somewhat of an annoyance at the plethora of rhetoric that tells us we must forgive or else we are weak and chained to our past. This ideology lets people off the hook even if they've really hurt another person. I don't understand why we value forgiveness and simultaneously teach people that, as writer P.G Wodehouse says, “it is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”

We have to meet in the middle. With a sincere apology, forgive and forget. Without it, do the same, but only if you want to. 

In the grips of a hurricane

I have to tell you about an experience I had a couple of days ago...

There was a man walking in front of me down the street, he tried talking to a woman who passed him.

She acknowledged his presence for a split second then continued on her way.

From the way the man was dressed, and by his outward appearance,

my immediate trust level was not extremely high. 

I had my ipod on and attempted to pass the man without any interaction. 

He hesitantly looked over at me and said hello. 

I smiled and kept walking, he looked like he wanted to engage in further conversation.

I took out one of my earbuds and asked him how he was doing. 

He smiled and said just fine, then asked if I knew anything about the news on North Korea (it was the same day the headlines were rolling with news on tension between the North and South) 

I turned my ipod off and explained the details I had picked up throughout the day while we walked together for quite a while discussing our fears about potential conflict and hopes for peace. 

When we had to separate, he looked at me. Smiled. And said "don't be scared now" and gave a friendly wave as he walked off. 

I've had time to reflect on this moment and recognize the entire interaction as one that challenged my understanding of myself and helped me grow as a person. When I think about how I relate with other people, trust comes up quite a bit. Stereotypes, so deeply ingrained in me and others, shape our relationships and connections with strangers. 

I prematurely judged this man. A mistake I've made in the past and will make in the future. I take this experience as one to show me, once again, that people are so much more than what appears on the surface. This man's last comment about not being afraid, it put my fears to rest. That may seem silly, but in our five minute conversation we developed a bond of mutual respect and trust. 

Talk to strangers. If, out of fear, you don't...think about how many amazing individuals will walk in and out of your life without even receiving the warmth of your smile. And think about how many beautiful faces you'll never get to appreciate. Open those doors, break down the walls that prevent you from connecting with the world and the people around you on a deeper level. 

Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving, I do.

I think it's a good time to do something we should be doing every single day of our lives--acknowledging the things we're grateful for.

What I don't like, is the way we are taught to think about the holiday. We're brought up to whole- heartedly believe that the pilgrims invited "the indians" to their dinner table and they all shared in this wonderful feast of turkey, potatoes, and stuffing together and in peace. (note-many of the foods we currently eat on thanksgiving-rice and sweet potatoes in particular-came to America from Africa during the 18th Century with enslaved people). 

With this view of history, we are allowed to ignore the truth. We celebrate and give thanks, but the holiday is actually a very sad reflection of a greater societal issue. Why do we learn about "the pilgrims" and "the indians" and never have to learn the name of the Wampanoag tribe? What exactly are we giving thanks for in the traditional sense?...is it the systematic extermination of indigenous peoples that characterized the colonial period and made land available to Europeans?

Why do we celebrate a false history of friendship and mutual respect? Because it's easier perhaps? Yes, it's far easier to teach white children that their ancestors came to America and made friends with the native people rather than explaining genocide, smallpox, and hostility. 

It may be easier that way. But that is no excuse for erasing the true history of America. We have to be careful about the way we celebrate this holiday. Instead of making it about the "shared feast between the pilgrims and the indians,"let's make it about recognizing the terrible injustice that defines our true past. Let's make it about sitting in our privilege and understanding our history from a non-white perspective while making a commitment that it will never ever repeat itself. 

Let's also not ignore the strength in cultural traditions; give thanks for the things in your life that make you happy.

I am thankful for my family, my roommates, my co-workers, my friends, good books and the sight to read them with, music and the ability to hear it, love, the support I receive from the people in my life, my job, the opportunity to attend a University, and so much more. 

Love One Another

"We were given a world so beautiful

A deep ocean, a blue-blue sky

I know we can make it a better place 

If only you and I

Love one another

Sisters and brothers

Love one another

Love one another

Father and mother

Love one another"

Sometimes I forget that we only live once. I also forget that life is happening as I make plans for the future. Every single day is shaping who I am and every experience brings its own message. This week, I've really connected with the lessons that were brought to me and wanted to share. 

Be yourself. If any one has a problem with the person that you are, that's their problem, not yours. The first step in finding happiness and peace with the world is to truly love yourself for everything that you are and are not. I can't dance, but guess what, I sure had a fun time performing in a drag show last night. My dance moves may not have been awesome by other people's standards, but for me, they were fantastic. 

Society always tells us the "right" way to do things. Whether that be how to dance appropriately, how to present your gender, who you're allowed to love, what to say and what not to say...why do we take these demands so seriously?? We're socialized vertically and horizontally to comply with norms and rules to such a degree that we can't even be ourselves. My challenge to every one out there is to say "screw you society, here I AM...deal with it." 

Love and Acceptance-of yourself and others. that's it. We're brought up to think that people who are different are bad. But the only reason we're taught this is because people fear what they don't understand. That same fear blocks any motivation TO understand, and we get trapped in a cycle of prejudice and misunderstanding which lead to intolerance and hate. 

To combat this, LEARN. Be aware. Listen to people. Try to understand other people's life experiences. If you do, I guarantee that you'll find out how similar they are to you. 

We're all connected in the fact that we're living. We're in the world. We're struggling to find meaning. a purpose. love. a spiritual connection with something greater. We're all battling the hardships of life and celebrating the accomplishments. 

We really were given a beautiful world. Every individual person is beautiful. Open your heart and let in the beauty presented to you every day. 

Love One Another. Make the World a Better Place for Everyone With Your Love. We Can Do It Together.

~This woman's outfit says "Intolerance Kills. I want to Live." She's wearing it at the start of a gay pride parade in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil where a 19 year old boy would later be shot by men in military uniforms.~

slam slam oh hot damn.

You know what I realized today? Over the past threeish months, I've lost my faith in the motto that had dictated my life since the beginning of freshman year. It's the namesake of this blog and comes from one of my favorite songs, it has helped me through rough times and laid out a path for me when I didn't know which direction to take. 

What's meant to be will always find a way. 

Of late, I think I've been overly focused on making the "right" decisions, or feeling the "right" way about something or someone. I've been forcing myself in a certain direction in hopes of obtaining a specific outcome from my current actions. In so doing, I've ignored (or..tried to ignore) my true thoughts and feelings about stuff. I don't like living this way.

I like putting my full faith in this optimistic mantra. We can't stress out about life. Everything that happens, has a reason. Every path we take, every choice we make, every interaction..starts a chain reaction (ha! that's a song too...) and leads us to the point we're supposed to reach. I know this is an extremely individualistic way to think about the world and is also rooted in a lot of privilege; it ignores institutional structures that shape our life experiences. But for once, I don't care. 

It's my life. And it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever. I just wanna live while I'm alive. (another song..gosh, what's up brain??) 

What's meant to be. Will always find a way. I choose to believe in these words. When I stop believing in them, the world seems so dark and meaningless. When things get scary. When you don't know what to do. When you think you've made the wrong decision. When you love someone and don't know if they feel the same way. When you struggle with exams or have a bad week. Remember that tomorrow's just another day and all that you can do, is your best. What's meant to be...yeah, it'll find its way. 

thoughts..

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that" ~Dr. King

Today's been an interesting day. My ideas about white privilege have been challenged and I'm not exactly sure how to handle everything. It's frustrating when you try to make change and address a very real problem only to face backlash from people you should be collaborating with.

The most frustrating thing about it is that they're right. It's so easy to ignore legitimate feelings and issues when they contrast with your sense of purpose. We see the world through our own lens, and an extremely narrow one at that.

Anger is such a powerful force.

I beleive that it can be a productive one. But it has to be channeled in the right way, or else it will always be destructive. Anger fuels hate. And the only way to combat both is through love. I think. I think Dr. King is right about love being able to drive out hate. I hope Dr. King is right.

Closer to Fine

I found my new personal anthem. Well actually, almost every song by the Indigo Girls speaks to me in some way or another, but this one constantly connects with me. 

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life

Maybe give me insight between black and white

And the best thing you've ever done for me

Is to help me take my life less seriously

It's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable

And lightness has a call that's hard to hear

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket

I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it

I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains

I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains

There's more than one answer to these questions

Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive

(The less I seek my source)

The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine"

I think I love them so much because of how personal their music is. Whether I'm struggling with my own identity, my relationship with others, school, or anything else, I find peace in this song. 

Monday, November 1st.

I've been listening to a lot of country music lately. One Way Ticket by Leann Rimes:


"I'm gonna go out dancing in the pouring rain
and talk to someone I don't know (because I can)
I will face the world around me
knowing that I'm strong enough to let you go
And I will fall in LOVE again
because I can.

Gonna climb the mountain
and look the eagle in the eye
I won't let FEAR clip my wings and tell me how high I can FLY"

I'm taking today as a moment for reflection and life evaluation. It's the first of the month and a new week, 2010 is coming to a close and it's time to change the things that I've let slide.

I find myself facing the world with strength. I don't let things get to me and I hardly ever let myself be vulnerable. I think these can be good qualities, but I also have a strong feeling that the barriers I've developed prevent me from connecting with people on a level deeper than the surface.

I'm always afraid of opening up and then being rejected. I don't let my heart stray. Those emotional walls should come down, or at least be lowered. I find myself feeling deeply about people but pushing away those feelings..and those people. I love the song lyrics I posted above, but..

..I'm starting to have a problem with the whole concept of being "strong enough" to let go. For many people, those in abusive relationships in particular, being strong and moving on is obviously extremely important. But as it relates to my current life, I'm sick of always having to tell myself, "move on, let go, it's not going to work out."

Moving on is good. And I do love change. I also love one way tickets, independence, and strength. However, I'm currently in a place where I want to develop a sense of interdependence.


This month is going to be one that sees me step away from my usual journey of focusing on the self. I want to focus on my relationships with other people and strengthen those bonds that I've been somewhat neglecting.

Few thoughts..

1. http://madisonstreetpulse.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/102510-madison-west-seniors-lgbt-campus-center-leaders/

I was on the radio..and it was delicious.

2. Hatred+Homophobia+Stupidity+Ignorance=you all need to GO AWAY!

Seriously. What is wrong with people? If someone identifies as a male, use male pronouns!

3. Why is it so hard to write papers sometimes?

4. I'm using this blog to procrastinate. That was not the intended purpose.

5. Ani DiFranco is fantastic. As are the Indigo Girls!..I was listening to my ipod this morning and heard Virginia Wolf by the Indigo Girls, it's such a beautiful song. They're my favorite band right now.

Stop the Silence! A campaign
I'm working on to address bullying
against LGBTQ individuals. 

ps. check out: http://lgbt.wisc.edu/stopthesilence/

The Secret of Life

I'm sitting here trying to do my homework when the song Secret of Life by Faith Hill starts playing. I know I've heard this song before, but today it really connected with me on a different level. It made me think about my last post and also how I have a tendency to question the meaning of life-am i doing it right? am i fulfilling "my purpose"? What is "my purpose"? Faith Hill inspired me to make this list:

the secret of living is a good cup of coffee

the secret of living is a rainy Sunday morning 

the secret of living is smiling at a random person on the street 

it's the song that comes on your ipod and makes you break out in a dance

it's the night spent talking with a good friend about the most random thoughts 

the secret of living is a beautiful woman 

the secret of living is the warmth of the sun surrounding your body 

it's the arms of a loved one wrapped around you in a hug

it's waking up early to see the sun rise

or going to bed late after trying to make the day linger

the secret of living is a bouquet of flowers 

the secret of living is Saturday morning spent at the farmer's market

it's the thought-provoking moments

it's the laughter that never ends after watching a good movie

the secret of living is the feeling of happiness

anger, sadness, passion, heartbreak, joy, balance, fear,

it's love 

The secret of living is everything and nothing. It's all around us everyday. But it's not a secret. 

One way ticket.

I want, so badly, to hop on this freight train that I see passing by in the distance from my window. I wonder where it's going, what kinds of places it will see, the people it will pass, I want to run away like this train and explore places beyond my current scope of the world.

I don't know why i idealize far away places. I'm not unsettled in my current living situation, in fact, i love my life right now and feel extremely comfortable in both my outside and inside environment. I also feel very fortunate to have the life i do-interesting classes, a consistent paycheck, a nice home, unbelievable friends and loving family, beautiful Fall sights and the sight to enjoy them with....

Yet, like this long train that held up traffic for immeasurable moments, the thought of flying away from it all keeps on running through my mind.

Returning to the blog!

I always do this. Start a blog. love it. write on it. leave it. Story of my life.

Sometimes I get caught up in the fast pace of college-papers, exams, work...I forget about the things that are most important to me. Today however, my horoscope told me:

"If you can put together your day without having to handle too many issues, this can be a wonderful time to reconnect with your life purpose."

So i've decided to take a moment away from my sociology research paper to reconnect with my goals and find my place in the world around me again.

I barely even realized when it turned into Fall. The trees are now almost bare and the grass brown and dry. I was preoccupied with individual problems, stress, and running around to meet the next deadline, i didn't stop to see the beauty in the changing season. I haven't been in a place of balance.

today i recommit myself to finding that balance. getting in touch with the positive energy around me and flowing with the universe rather than floating aimlessly.

For the love of food.

Healthy muffins. That's all I have to say. Today I went to the local grocery store for the single purpose of buying whole wheat flour. Fifty dollars and three packed bags later, I headed home to make pita bread and healthy muffins. I felt a little Martha Stewartish and it was basically amazing. I've never been the kind of girl who loves baking or cooking, however lately I have found it to be quite the fascinating past time. Yesterday I made a couscous dish and some avocado hummus (a little odd but still tasty), the couscous was the best thing ever. It was warm couscous mixed with apples, bananas, walnuts, almonds, and an olive oil-honey dressing...yum. Side note: the creators of olive oil=SMART people. 


My favorite new thing is definitely cranking up some tunes and making a healthy/delicious food. Also, grocery shopping. Is there anything more fun? Don't answer that. But seriously, all of my friends are going insane right now and being stupid over this ridiculous situation-I should be upset right? Probably, but after buying ingredients and making fun things today, I honestly could care less. It's like exercise in that it just makes you feel happy...I don't even mind the cleaning up anymore!  

January First 2010

A new day, a new month, a new year and a new decade. Can you feel the excitement stemming from an abundance of goals, dreams, and challenges? I can. I recently logged into my yahoo email account and found my astrological predictions for 2010; here's what Aquarius has in store:

"Aquarius often gets pegged as being a little too cerebral for its own good. But the truth is, that's where you do your best work. The next year is going to give you the opportunity to use those sharp mental powers to focus on what it is you really want out of life. Two eclipses fall in your Twelfth House, which will bring out your intuitive side, and give you a chance to see your life from a less-strictly-logical (yet no less valid) perspective. The additional information they give you about your life and your position in it will be your big chance to put things in order.

Saturn is also going to be bringing big changes as to your philosophical approach to life. What fundamental approaches to life have worked for you, and what haven't? You may have never stopped to ask that question, or known the benefits of finding the right answer to it. This year, those answers will come, and your life is likely to be a saner, better-adjusted place for it.

Of course, it's impossible to have a well-ordered world around you without having a few other people in it. The middle part of the year will see close friends and partners coming and going in your life, more so than you've seen in a long time. In part, this will be a reflection of the changes going on in your "higher mind." And again, the overall effect should be a positive one. It's your worldview, Aquarius -- make it the best you can!"

Now, don't take me for one to put all my eggs into the basket of astrological forecasts~I find them interesting and believe that sometimes reading a horoscope will make us more aware of the things going on in our lives. For example, reading this prediction has made me look forward to doing some internal reflection throughout 2010 and finding my inner balance. If they say 2010 will be my year to "figure it out" then hey, why not? 

I feel like this year has a lot of promise. I'm not going to make superficial resolutions (i.e get in shape, eat healthier, read more) because I do that every year and really, how far has that ever come? Instead, my single resolution is to be me. Yup, that's it. Figure out what I want out of life, break the norms, don't be afraid to go against the grain when I think it right, and most of all, dance to the beat of my own little drummer. 

All of us should look at this new year as a chance to sweep out the closet, start fresh, and discover who we are. Be optimistic about life and think positively (it increases life span), meditate and think inwardly while exposing yourself to the wider world, break bad habits and set goals, live, laugh, and love. Don't be afraid to find your inner light and let it shine...the world will be a brighter place because of it. 

"The more I see of man, the more I like dogs."

Sometimes they stink, eat your stuff or are just plain annoying. No, I'm not talking about children. I refer to the animals of the world that we regard as our friends. Even though I consider myself anti-animal captivity, I truly love pets. My cat is laying here on my stomach, not asking anything of me accept a reassuring scratch behind the ears every few minutes; I keep thinking about how awesome it is to have a bond with such a beautiful little creature. They don't judge you when you have a bad day or make a stupid decision. They don't care how much money you have, what kind of clothes you wear, whether or not you can sing well, or how much you weigh. If you give them love, you'll get it in return. Unconditional, constant, and pure love.

Some people say that pets only love us because we feed them, I don't think that is any more true than saying that the sun is blue. I haven't been home for a month, therefore I have not been the hand that feeds my two gorgeous cats in quite a while. Despite this, Sassy has slept on my stomach every night this week, purring and not even attempting to run away when I try to push her off. I feel her heart beating as she slowly falls asleep and am repeatedly amazed at the level of trust she has in me.



I think that we get pets to take care of, but in the end, they are the ones who take care of us.