On January 1st 2009, I spent the day creating a collage that symbolically and explicitly laid out exactly the path I wanted to take throughout the new year. It is still hanging on my wall and after two years, still inspires me to find happiness in the only way I know how to--by being as compassionate with myself as I am with the ones I love.
The last few days of 2009 and early beginning of 2010 found me in a place that at the time, I could not understand. I wanted, perhaps needed, something in my life. Something was missing. I felt lacking in a way that is difficult to describe and the only way I could address it was by making plans to incorporate more free-spirited adventure into my life. For most of January 2010, I wanted nothing more than to pack up my backpack, hop a train to anywhere, and go. My New Year's Resolution was to be honest with myself and with the world while opening my heart to love--I acknowledged my fear of getting close to people and decided to break down that wall in 2010.
January 1st is my favorite day of any year. It opens the door for reflection, evaluation and change. Granted, it is merely an arbitrary day on the calendar and any day of the year can open the door to these things if you let it. Yet, I appreciate the demands of the calendar and embrace this time of year as a gift with which I can look at my life from a more detached perspective, through a wider lens, and by doing so, shift the direction of my path if necessary.
Now, I sit here. January 4th 2011. And I struggle to make the adjustments that my journey is calling for. I've been thinking very hard about what I want to bring going into 2011. What baggage I want to carry with and what I want to leave at the door.
For some reason this year, I am having a difficult time letting go of the baggage I want to leave behind. It's clinging to me.
Perhaps the words "baggage" and "clinging" are inappropriate. If I am reluctant to release the things that I'm carrying, then it is quite possible that I have not yet completed my work with them. Perhaps these things do not feel the same pressure of the calendar that I so enjoy. Maybe for them, January 1st means nothing--except that we still have a trip to take together and it will be taken throughout 2011 instead of 2010.
I'm okay with that. Despite the struggle that it has been, I've come up with a few resolutions. They may seem simple, but at this point in my life, they are exactly what I need:
1. Live Openly.
2. Love Completely.
3. Laugh Often.
4. Be Happy.
5. Be Compassionate.
I don't want to play games with the world. I want to realize my oneness with everything around me and to do so, I will work to break through the wall that guards my soul from pain, sadness, true happiness, and love. I've realized that we are all bound together by love, but it's all too easy to close yourself off to this connective energy. I have to learn, or perhaps relearn, that I can be awake to the world, remain acutely aware of its problems, and strive to make positive change while still being happy in my own individual life.
I bring nothing to the world if I let the injustice that plagues society plague my soul and my spirit. It's a hard balance to find, however I truly believe that compassion is what it takes. I cannot judge myself harsher than I do others. I cannot expect to have all of the answers--I must realize that there is always more than one answer. I will take my life less seriously, it's only life after all (thank you, Indigo Girls). I must accept the constantly changing nature of the universe and embrace the fact that this moment is only one of many that make up my journey.
For 2011, my challenge to myself is to remain congruent--to recognize the long, winding road ahead while committing myself to the things I'm passionate about right now. To Live in the present with arms and heart wide open. To stop and reflect along the way and to have Fun.
It'll be great. Just Wait.
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