We Live and Learn from all Mistakes...

I was at the Farmer's Market yesterday morning when I realized that christmas is now less than a week away. I've become rather detached from the actual holiday that is christmas (formally for religious reasons, now more so for the fact that it is the epitome of capitalism), however this time of year is significant to me for two reasons. First, the coming of a new year is something that always puts me in an intensely reflective mood and encourages me to evaluate my choices, actions, growth, and change over the past 365.25 days. Secondly, this time of year seems to bring out the love between people--christmas songs increasingly focus on relationships or romantic attractions, the cold weather I think makes us biologically inclined to seek warmth in our closeness with others, and there is that overwhelming message that forces people to think of the ones they love over the holiday season.

A combination of my two points listed above cause me to reflect on the relationships I've fostered, with myself and others, over the course of this year. To be honest, 2010 was a crazy long year. I can say with confidence that no year has seen me grow so much as this one has. I thought it'd be interesting to lay out 2010 by each month's contribution to the year as a whole...

January and early February were rough...and confusing..and scary...but after coming out as a lesbian to my family over my birthday weekend in mid-February, the year transformed into one of self-discovery and immense personal compassion. I had the opportunity to construct my identity openly and honestly, I experienced what it means to be in love with someone for the first time, and I found a bundle of confidence that had been hidden within me for the past 19 years. It's amazing to consider how much our identity and our culture's response to it influences the way we think about ourselves--the early part of 2010 really pushed me to understand this.

March, April, and May were three months of my life that I couldn't really tell you what happened--all I know is that I felt balanced. I was learning about myself and I was happy doing it.

June, July, and August were spent at home with my family. I had an intensely difficult, yet extremely wonderful time baby sitting my little sister and living under the roof of my mom for the first time since starting college. In all honesty, the summer was hard for me. It was a unique transition from the independent self-led life that I had been so comfortable in while at school, to a structured existence with responsibilities to other people rather than myself. I had changed a lot over the course of the school year, my mind was opened to things I never even considered before and bringing all of that back to the life I used to live was difficult. I struggled to combine all of my new experiences and discoveries with the place I grew up in--or more appropriately, the person I grew up as.

September. Oh September. Coming back to school after three months away. Moving into an apartment. Seeing old friends that had disappeared from my life for the time I was away. Falling in love all over again with this city and everything that comes with this city--September was an interesting mixture of excitement, pain, happiness, comfort, and adjustment.

October and November went too quickly. I'm troubled by the way these two months went, primarily because I'm not sure how that was. On the bright side, I found an intense passion for the work I was doing to end LGBTQ bullying. Stop the Silence came into my life and changed my direction, it allowed me the freedom to address the huge cultural problems of homophobia and transphobia in a constructive way. One year ago, I would not have pictured myself in a position to work so intimately and passionately with these issues; although sad that we have to be fighting for safety and equality in the first place, I am grateful that my journey has brought me to a place on the forefront of this movement to make change and ensure justice for members of the LGBTQ community, including myself.

And that brings me to December. December has seen me do a lot of questioning and challenging. In stark contrast to this month 2009, the questions and challenges I've posed this December are not oriented inward but rather outward--Of our culture. Of my place at this university. Of traditions and accepted social constructions. Of other people and my relationships with them. Of labels and categories and identities. I suppose all of those are related to my inner journey, but within the larger context of society.

And that was 2010, it actually seems rather short when you cut entire three month spans into a modest paragraph. As the New Year draws closer, I would like to post a forward-thinking entry with my hopes and expectations for 2011. In the meantime, more reflection and evaluation are sure to consume my brain. I encourage everyone else to do the same, it's quite freeing and powerful to think of your life as a long journey that consistently changes directions and forces you to adjust, grow, find balance, lose it, and then figure out how the heck you'll find it again. shalom.