hoooo hoooo hoooo

First of all, an interesting excerpt from "The Revolution Will Not Be Funded: by Utne Reader : 

On nonprofits: 

"And what are our priorities? Perhaps the real problem is that we don’t spend enough time imagining what we want and then doing the work to sustain that vision. That is one of the fundamental ways the corporate-capitalist system tames us: by robbing us of our time and flooding us in a sea of bureaucratic red tape, which we are told is a necessary evil for guaranteeing our organization’s existence. We are too busy being told to market ourselves by pimping our communities’ poverty in proposals, selling “results” in reports and accounting for our finances in financial reviews.

In essence, our organizations have become mini-corporations, because on some level, we have internalized the idea that power—the ability to create change—equals money."

Read more: http://www.utne.com/Politics/Revolution-Will-not-be-Funded-Nonprofit-Industrial-Complex.aspx?page=2#ixzz29D1HvVLR


I've been thinking about this a lot lately. People ask "what are you going to do after you graduate?" about 5 times a day. I love the question and the conversation, but my only answer is "anything that doesn't involve paper." 

People usually laugh at this...but I'm serious. I don't want to do anything that involves an office or paperwork. Books are great, but papers and board meetings -- no thanks. The troubling thing about this is that most activist-type work these days involves paperwork, fund-raising, and dressing "professionally." There doesn't seem to be a way to help people or the planet without working in an office...so what do I (and presumably the 'we' that feels the same way) do? I wish there was a more hands-on way to help people and a planet in need. I can't stand sitting in meetings to determine what a logo should like when there are a million other things we could be doing -- but the logo helps with visibility, marketing, fundraising,  blah blah blah. 

On the same note -- there is so much that is wrong in our country and in our world: persistent poverty throughout regions of the U.S that most of us cannot even begin to imagine; structural discrimination that many claim was eliminated in 1964, but violently persists today; ecological devastation via climate change and its drivers like fossil fuel consumption and agribusiness...sadly, the list goes on and on. How can one person -- even one person with untold privilege for being a white, college-educated, suburban-dwelling, U.S citizen -- do any good? How does this person's position in society situate her in regards to the inequality that is largely race/ethnicity-based? Where does power come from if not from the funding associated with non-profits and/or political machines? 

All of these questions and worries are floating around in my head tonight as I walk though the UW arboretum. Then, suddenly, a magnificent owl swoops over my head and up to a tall perch at the top of an old tree. The owl reminds me of order and grace. He lives to feed on small creatures and to oversee the forest from the tree tops. The owl reminds me that we each have to work on our own tiny corner of the world if we're ever going to 'make a difference.' I don't really know why an owl would remind me of this...but he did, so just go with it. I guess I just realized that despite all of the terrible unfairness and sadness in the world, we're never going to add any beauty by feeling responsible for all of it. Maybe this is the key: the owl doesn't try to solve all of the forest's problems; in fact, he just eats, poops, and sleeps. Yet, that owl, with his wide wings and questioning round face, sure does add a lot of beauty to the dark woods on a rainy and cold Fall evening. 

Changing Blog Title and URL

Well I've decided to try blogging more consistently again. It may not last long...but let's see! 

I've just changed the title and background of my blog to better reflect my current state of mind and probable content. 

Three things are really influencing my thoughts right now:

1. the election and politics in general 

2. a class about birds and kids that I'm currently enjoying 

3. Imminent graduation and the feeling of "what now??" 

This "new" blog will hopefully replace the posting I've been doing on facebook and allow me to share with all of you the interesting lessons I've been learning in my last semester classes slash life. 

Food, People, and Animals

A few minutes ago, I shared this video on facebook and above it wrote: "'It's up to us to seek out the information' There's no longer any excuse for people to be supporting factory farms -- if you eat meat, find out where it's coming from. If your response is "well, it makes me sick to watch those videos and read about it.." Then WHY (HOW?) are you EATING it???"

After posting this and re-reading it, I almost had to delete it. You see, I fully believe what I wrote and I definitely think it's important to raise awareness about factory farming. The problem, though, is that it's not as simple as it should be. 

From my privileged (I'm using that word in acknowledgment of the statistical advantage that my physical characteristics and background give me) position as a white, middle class, college-educated, suburban- raised childless person, this is a simple, cut and dry issue. Animals are being treated unethically -- our agricultural system is harmful to the environment, animals, and humans ----> clearly, the answer is to stop supporting industrial ag. So I don't eat meat, I buy organic produce, cage free chicken eggs, and almond milk. And...that's what we should all be doing, right? 

I wish I could say and promote this without reservation. But as soon as I re-read my comment, sirens went off in my head and a loud speaker said "Hey wait!!" How are the majority of Americans, already scraping by, sometimes on two or more jobs, supposed to stop supporting this system? How are citizens in communities that can be described as "food deserts" supposed to stop supporting this system? When factory farmed meat and eggs are significantly cheaper than ethically produced food, how in the world are people supposed to stop "supporting" this system? 

The thing is, they're not "supporting" a system. The system is failing to support them, to support us. 

Grocery shopping takes me forever. I'm on a tight budget and I know a lot about how things are produced. Putting something in my cart is basically a moral decision. Even with a paycheck that makes me feel comfortable most of the time and the position in society that I was fortunate enough to be born into, buying real food is sometimes straining. Now I think about adding kids, higher bills, insurance (maybe, if I'm lucky) and/or an economically disadvantaged identity -- there's no way I could actually change my purchases to reflect my wishes for a better food culture. 

My heart is with the chickens, pigs, cows, and veggies that are being reaped of their souls -- or, as Joel Salatin would say, their essences -- but my heart is also with the families and individuals who cannot, even with full knowledge and understanding, afford to stop relying on this system that provides caloric intake and some semblance of nutrition. My facebook comment asked "WHY (HOW?) are you eating it??"...."because I have to," is likely the answer that many would respond with. 

The trouble is that we live in a food culture that is entirely congruent with our economic priorities. Some people can choose and afford to eat like Michael Pollen wants them to; others, probably the majority, don't have that privilege. Widespread, healthy changes in food production and consumption will only come when we are ready, as a nation and as a world, to make systemic changes to our economic values. Profit cannot be the motivating factor when it comes to ensuring human well-being. The market will not care for those in need, it will not support the vulnerable -- the market needs guidance, and it needs a soul. 

In the end, our food culture is not sustainable. It's not sustainable for animals and plants. It's definitely not sustainable for humans. And worst of all, it's not sustainable for Mother Earth as a whole. Our food culture is directly tied to our economic culture. We can't blame people and we can't rely only on them for change -- we have to evaluate our collective ideas of corporate autonomy, ownership, subsidization, and individualism. Industrial agriculture will "support" us until we stop allowing it to -- but this can only happen if we see it as one part of a complex system, deeply, deeply intertwined with economic disparity, racism, profit-driven motives, and a historical disavowal of stewardship.   

Pushing the Needle Too Far

We've all been removed in one way or another.
We don't know our families, we don't need our brothers.


Pushing the needle too far
Pushing the needle too far


If you wake up in the morning, grey dawn,
with a prayer on your breath,
maybe you lost something precious,
god'll save you, from losing yourself.

--Indigo Girls 

Do you ever feel like you're acting? Like your actions on the outside are just motions or puppets of an internal source, a genuine being that you know is you but other people probably wouldn't recognize? Like every thing you say, every facial expression you make, every note you write, everything...all of it is just a manufactured production of stuff? What does it mean? Do I mean it?

Know what I'm talking about? No. Okay cool, me neither.

But really. Seeing the Indigo Girls in concert last night helped me come to this realization -- it sounds silly, but being there, I realized that geeking out over my favorite band was the first time I've felt any bit of genuineness in a long while. When I saw Amy Ray walk out on stage, I felt like every part of my being was congruent.

I used to feel that way all the time. I used to feel like my outside matched my inside...a kind of wholeness. Lately, however, I've felt...hmm, what's the word?...slanted, not together, incongruent, like I have a shell that is slipping off and pulling me apart.

I think that over the course of the past three(ish) months, I've lost, as the song goes, something precious. This is definitely true in the "outside world"...and that might be the major reason for these weird feelings....but it freaks me out. The Indigo Girls sing that god'll save you from losing yourself, I hope that's true; but even more than that, I hope that I know what to do to hold on to myself.

I've always preached two philosophies: 1) what's meant to be will find its way 2) everything happens for a reason. I have faith in these words and I know that everything we experience shapes our character and makes us stronger; however, I am questioning whether or not I want to become the person that my experiences are shaping me into. I used to feel comfortable with myself. I felt like I knew where I was going and where I wanted to be. Now, I feel a deep-seated anxiety about these things, I feel like I've lost a piece of my self and I'm afraid that that piece was...an important one.

To conclude on a positive note: I guess it is important to recognize that, as my professor once said, we cannot play "the god trick" -- as humans, we cannot see everything from nowhere -- we are always stuck in our current situation and with such a limited perspective we are forced to take everything so seriously. I know that things change and I know that in a week I will feel differently. I have also been told to work on building something that could be called resilience; I interpret this to mean self-compassion. As hard as it is to comprehend sometimes, we're all just little membranes enclosing a bunch of molecules with a label that says "human." Who knows what they're doing? Anyone?

The wisdom that only time can bring...

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

01. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
02. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
03. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
04. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
05. Pay off your credit cards every month.
06. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
07. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
08. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
09. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past, so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness, but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27 Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
(not sure where 45 went...)


Love it. 

moving boxes, memories, and the screams of a terrified child

"Madeline, wanna see this giant spider!?" (I ask my six year old sister this question while holding a covered jar with a spider in it on the way to the front door after catching her crawling around in our bathroom) 

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!!" (shrieks of complete terror pierce the still of the entire house) 

Madeline frequently sits in the driveway picking up ants with her little bug catchers, thinking of these times, I assume she will be excited to see a captured spider. However, it takes me until after some cuddling with mom and soothing words to learn that bugs with 6 legs are alright, but 8 legs...forget about it.

This experience came in the midst of a new beginning. Our living room is filled with boxes and our house is being cleaned out...it's almost moving day. Seven years here, memories accumulate (as does junk...but that's another story). Thinking about the day we moved in, the day we brought baby Madeline home from the hospital, the day of my high school graduation, the day I moved out for college--the number of happy days and the number of sad days...I'd say they just about balance, when all is said and done. 

You could say that a house is just a house--wood, brick, paint. But a life is more than just years. I feel fine about the actual move; yet, with some of the other things going on simultaneously, I definitely think this is one of those moments where we grow and stretch ourselves. Everything will work out, it always does. Still, there are always things that weigh--worry, change, adjustment, distance, flooding memories...

Madeline's scream reminds me that at the end of the day, even when the road gets a little bumpy, the most terrifying and unmanageable thing--it might be a spider. 

hero in your own hometown...

There's a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that goes: 

This world is gonna wear you thin, knot you up and spin you round

This world will take it's aim, call you every name, trying to bring you down

Everything seems so clear when you're looking back from such a distance

When the road not taken disappears into the path of least resistance

The last line caught my ear, when the road not taken disappears into the path of least resistance. I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life is so predictable. I always do what people expect of me, which usually translates into always taking the road most traveled. I think we're all afraid of the unknown--we follow because it's easier, safer, and we never have to feel alone in our actions. The path of least resistance is the path that everyone else takes. It's the one that society approves of and since I never want to disappoint people, it's of course, the one that I always take. 

I want my life to be more like a different Mary Chapin Carpenter song. "Cut the deck right in half, I'll play from either side. because I take my chances..."

Unchartered

When I look back on the past few years of my life, I see myself as an ever-changing, curious, growing, independent, searching soul wandering down a long and winding road. I've been comfortable with the world as it is, happy with my life, and most of all, proud of the discoveries I've made that have heightened my sense of awareness and knowledge. Despite moments of incongruence and a few confusing directions, I look at my journey as one that has persistently and consistently taught me that everything happens for a reason.

I tell you this because I want to express how grateful I am for everything my life has brought so far. I cannot say that I have ever felt lacking in love, support, or encouragement--my family, my friends, my education, everything that has helped me grow into the person that I am--I appreciate them immensely.

The thing that strikes me most as I look back, particularly on the past two years, is how unwilling to be satisfied I was. Saying that, I cannot help but think about my privilege and I do acknowledge it as I write. When reading "unwilling to be satisfied" please do not mistake my words for "unsatisfied" because this word does not describe the feelings I intend to describe. I was merely searching for a missing piece--appreciating what I had but still recognizing that a corner piece of my puzzle had yet to be placed.

Two months ago, this integral piece of the puzzle found its place. I can now say with my whole heart that "the less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." Meaning, there is no one path to happiness and the more open you are to the possibilities, the closer you'll be to finding your truth.

I subscribe to the version of life where there are always one thousand correct answers to any given question. Each answer will point you in a different direction. Yet, regardless of which path you choose, what's meant to be will always find its way. I believe in this because there is no god but love--and if we listen to her, she'll show us the way.

Sugerland Knows What Is Up

Missed my alarm clock ringing

Woke up telephone screaming

Boss man singing his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour

No cup of coffee, no shower

Walk of shame with two different shoes on

Now it is poor me, why me, oh me

Boring the same old worn out blah blah story

There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason

No complicated meaning

Ain't no need to over think it

Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it

We try so hard to understand it

Irrefutable, indisputable

The fact is

Psssh

It happens

My trusty-rusty had a flat

I borrowed my neighbors Cadillac

"I'll be right back," going down to Wally World

That yellow light turned red too quickly

Knew that the truck moment it hit me

Out stepped my ex and his new girl

("Sorry 'bout your neck baby")

But it is poor me, why me, oh me

Boring the same old worn out blah blah story

There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason

No complicated meaning

Ain't no need to over think it

Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it

We try so hard to understand

Irrefutable, indisputable

The fact is

Psssh

It happens

A quote for your thoughts...

"Each time you love, love as deeply as if it were forever."

Audre Lorde.

Happy February! 

Little Too Little, Little Too Late

I walked into a conversation this afternoon about the latest LGBT bullying related suicide. I quickly found out that it was a Minnesota teen who died on Saturday morning. With these basic facts, my mind immediately went on high alert. I grew up in Minnesota, I know plenty of young people who live there. Then the conversation got more specific--it was a boy from Jefferson High School. What? I graduated from Jefferson High School. What if I knew this boy? Passed him in the hallway when he was a freshman? What if his locker was near my old one? Could he have known my favorite teacher? I started to wonder--what does it mean for me to be spending so much of my energy on Stop the Silence, an LGBT anti-bullying campaign, and spending so much of my time planning Break the Silence, Wisconsin, a statewide march addressing homophobia and transphobia, when a young man that I easily could have known took his own life because the level of intolerance that he faced on a daily basis became too much?

Stop the Silence was started in response to a string of LGBTQ suicides that took place in September and October of 2010. We are now passing quickly through January and once again, a boy's body is being buried. His family will never again be able to give him a hug. Friends unable to tell him a funny story or ask for his advice. He will never have the chance to hold his diploma, have dinner with a significant other or pursue his dreams. Lance Lundsten, with his beautiful and welcoming smile, will never be able to see it get better.

After reading the article about his death for myself, I realized that the Jefferson High School this boy went to was not the same as the one I graduated from. Well that's a relief, right? He's not connected to me in any way, not a friend of one of my friends, nor is he the brother of someone in my graduating class. For a split second, those thoughts danced through my brain. I soon realized, however, that his connection to me is far deeper than any high school alumni or six degrees of separation could ever wish to form.

The word "my" becomes shockingly insignificant when thinking about the reasons for this boy's death. Homophobia and transphobia have an extremely powerful effect on communities all around the world, they may play out in unique ways, but one thing remains the same wherever or whoever you are--hatred directed toward a salient aspect of one's identity is always experienced in negative ways. For this boy, and the countless others who saw death as their only escape from a world that is so cold and unable to accept them for who they are, bullying was not a minor part of their day. The people who picked on them, called them names, tripped them in the hallway, and made their lives miserable in countless other ways, may not have seen their actions as anything major. They may have enjoyed causing pain but thought it only temporary and fun. Unfortunately, as this situation and the countless others like it demonstrate, one person's fun can all too easily come at the price of another's life.

I am tired of reading about suicides. I am sick of thinking about the loss of a young person's life because of other people's ignorance. Please stop the silence. Please speak up. It doesn't matter if you identify as LGBT or not. It doesn't matter if you've never experienced bullying in your personal life. Speak up for those whose voices are silenced. Bullying affects each and every one of us because it is the manifestation of hatred. It needs to end.

Think about ways you can make it better. Write your school administrators and tell them why policies need to be put in place that prevent bullying. Stand up for people whenever you feel safe doing so. If you're in Wisconsin, show solidarity with thousands of others by attending Break the Silence, Wisconsin on April 15th. Use facebook and other online networking sites as advocacy tools letting your friends know that you do not support anti-LGBTQ attitudes and behaviors or harassment of any kind. Think about your actions, the words you use, and the messages you send.

Peace be with the friends and family of Lance as well as anyone who must deal with the effects of living in a culture that actively supports homophobia and transphobia. There are so many issues and problems plaguing our world, why does this have to be one of them? Love the people around you for who they are--that's one of the most important things we can all be doing on a daily basis.

I posed the question in my first paragraph asking what this boy's death means for me as one of the founding members of an LGBTQ anti-bullying campaign and primary organizers of Break the Silence, Wisconsin. So what does it mean? It means that our work is more important now than ever before. It means that bullying may have fallen out of the public eye, but the problems clearly persist. And most of all, it reminds me that the sadness associated with this news goes hand in hand with the power and unity that will radiate from the state of Wisconsin on April 15, 2011. There should not be one individual in the world who ever feels like taking their own life is the answer--help us end the fear. Help us remove homophobia and transphobia from their comfortable spot in our culture. Help us stop the silence. 

Building a Mystery

On January 1st 2009, I spent the day creating a collage that symbolically and explicitly laid out exactly the path I wanted to take throughout the new year. It is still hanging on my wall and after two years, still inspires me to find happiness in the only way I know how to--by being as compassionate with myself as I am with the ones I love. 

The last few days of 2009 and early beginning of 2010 found me in a place that at the time, I could not understand. I wanted, perhaps needed, something in my life. Something was missing. I felt lacking in a way that is difficult to describe and the only way I could address it was by making plans to incorporate more free-spirited adventure into my life. For most of January 2010, I wanted nothing more than to pack up my backpack, hop a train to anywhere, and go. My New Year's Resolution was to be honest with myself and with the world while opening my heart to love--I acknowledged my fear of getting close to people and decided to break down that wall in 2010. 

January 1st is my favorite day of any year. It opens the door for reflection, evaluation and change.  Granted, it is merely an arbitrary day on the calendar and any day of the year can open the door to these things if you let it. Yet, I appreciate the demands of the calendar and embrace this time of year as a gift with which I can look at my life from a more detached perspective, through a wider lens, and by doing so, shift the direction of my path if necessary.

Now, I sit here. January 4th 2011. And I struggle to make the adjustments that my journey is calling for. I've been thinking very hard about what I want to bring going into 2011. What baggage I want to carry with and what I want to leave at the door.

For some reason this year, I am having a difficult time letting go of the baggage I want to leave behind. It's clinging to me.

Perhaps the words "baggage" and "clinging" are inappropriate. If I am reluctant to release the things that I'm carrying, then it is quite possible that I have not yet completed my work with them. Perhaps these things do not feel the same pressure of the calendar that I so enjoy. Maybe for them, January 1st means nothing--except that we still have a trip to take together and it will be taken throughout 2011 instead of 2010.

I'm okay with that. Despite the struggle that it has been, I've come up with a few resolutions. They may seem simple, but at this point in my life, they are exactly what I need:

1. Live Openly.
2. Love Completely.
3. Laugh Often.
4. Be Happy.
5. Be Compassionate.

I don't want to play games with the world. I want to realize my oneness with everything around me and to do so, I will work to break through the wall that guards my soul from pain, sadness, true happiness, and love. I've realized that we are all bound together by love, but it's all too easy to close yourself off to this connective energy. I have to learn, or perhaps relearn, that I can be awake to the world, remain acutely aware of its problems, and strive to make positive change while still being happy in my own individual life.

I bring nothing to the world if I let the injustice that plagues society plague my soul and my spirit. It's a hard balance to find, however I truly believe that compassion is what it takes. I cannot judge myself harsher than I do others. I  cannot expect to have all of the answers--I must realize that there is always more than one answer. I will take my life less seriously, it's only life after all (thank you, Indigo Girls). I must accept the constantly changing nature of the universe and embrace the fact that this moment is only one of many that make up my journey. 

For 2011, my challenge to myself is to remain congruent--to recognize the long, winding road ahead while committing myself to the things I'm passionate about right now. To Live in the present with arms and heart wide open. To stop and reflect along the way and to have Fun. 

It'll be great. Just Wait.

We Live and Learn from all Mistakes...

I was at the Farmer's Market yesterday morning when I realized that christmas is now less than a week away. I've become rather detached from the actual holiday that is christmas (formally for religious reasons, now more so for the fact that it is the epitome of capitalism), however this time of year is significant to me for two reasons. First, the coming of a new year is something that always puts me in an intensely reflective mood and encourages me to evaluate my choices, actions, growth, and change over the past 365.25 days. Secondly, this time of year seems to bring out the love between people--christmas songs increasingly focus on relationships or romantic attractions, the cold weather I think makes us biologically inclined to seek warmth in our closeness with others, and there is that overwhelming message that forces people to think of the ones they love over the holiday season.

A combination of my two points listed above cause me to reflect on the relationships I've fostered, with myself and others, over the course of this year. To be honest, 2010 was a crazy long year. I can say with confidence that no year has seen me grow so much as this one has. I thought it'd be interesting to lay out 2010 by each month's contribution to the year as a whole...

January and early February were rough...and confusing..and scary...but after coming out as a lesbian to my family over my birthday weekend in mid-February, the year transformed into one of self-discovery and immense personal compassion. I had the opportunity to construct my identity openly and honestly, I experienced what it means to be in love with someone for the first time, and I found a bundle of confidence that had been hidden within me for the past 19 years. It's amazing to consider how much our identity and our culture's response to it influences the way we think about ourselves--the early part of 2010 really pushed me to understand this.

March, April, and May were three months of my life that I couldn't really tell you what happened--all I know is that I felt balanced. I was learning about myself and I was happy doing it.

June, July, and August were spent at home with my family. I had an intensely difficult, yet extremely wonderful time baby sitting my little sister and living under the roof of my mom for the first time since starting college. In all honesty, the summer was hard for me. It was a unique transition from the independent self-led life that I had been so comfortable in while at school, to a structured existence with responsibilities to other people rather than myself. I had changed a lot over the course of the school year, my mind was opened to things I never even considered before and bringing all of that back to the life I used to live was difficult. I struggled to combine all of my new experiences and discoveries with the place I grew up in--or more appropriately, the person I grew up as.

September. Oh September. Coming back to school after three months away. Moving into an apartment. Seeing old friends that had disappeared from my life for the time I was away. Falling in love all over again with this city and everything that comes with this city--September was an interesting mixture of excitement, pain, happiness, comfort, and adjustment.

October and November went too quickly. I'm troubled by the way these two months went, primarily because I'm not sure how that was. On the bright side, I found an intense passion for the work I was doing to end LGBTQ bullying. Stop the Silence came into my life and changed my direction, it allowed me the freedom to address the huge cultural problems of homophobia and transphobia in a constructive way. One year ago, I would not have pictured myself in a position to work so intimately and passionately with these issues; although sad that we have to be fighting for safety and equality in the first place, I am grateful that my journey has brought me to a place on the forefront of this movement to make change and ensure justice for members of the LGBTQ community, including myself.

And that brings me to December. December has seen me do a lot of questioning and challenging. In stark contrast to this month 2009, the questions and challenges I've posed this December are not oriented inward but rather outward--Of our culture. Of my place at this university. Of traditions and accepted social constructions. Of other people and my relationships with them. Of labels and categories and identities. I suppose all of those are related to my inner journey, but within the larger context of society.

And that was 2010, it actually seems rather short when you cut entire three month spans into a modest paragraph. As the New Year draws closer, I would like to post a forward-thinking entry with my hopes and expectations for 2011. In the meantime, more reflection and evaluation are sure to consume my brain. I encourage everyone else to do the same, it's quite freeing and powerful to think of your life as a long journey that consistently changes directions and forces you to adjust, grow, find balance, lose it, and then figure out how the heck you'll find it again. shalom. 

So Hard When it Doesn't Come Easy

I've been thinking a lot lately about work and inequality in America. For my sociology class, we had to read Barbara Ehrenreich's ethnographic study called Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting by in America (2001). The author spends time in various cities "undercover" as a low-wage worker; the goal of her study was to find out what it's like to make a living at minimum wage in the United States. She encounters issues with housing, eating, self-respect, and basic civil rights. This video--Nickel and Dimed--is an interesting mini-dramatic-documentary that does a nice (and maybe a little bit creepy) job illustrating the project that Ehrenreich undertook.


We must evaluate our dependency on the labor and actions of others. Think about the people who clean our bathrooms, scrub our floors, clean up our trash, serve us coffee, cook our food, ring up our groceries, put away the clothes we discard after leaving the fitting room....all of these people are underpaid and giving up their time and energy so that others can live more comfortably and cheaply.

I feel ashamed. Why do we allow our country to run this way? Why do we call a waitressing job "unskilled" when it requires constant running, smiling, talking, organizing, listening...for numerous hours every day? That takes skill. It's physically and emotionally draining; not to mention stressful, fast-paced, and high-risk. But if it were considered "skilled" labor, the wages offered to those in the waitressing profession would have to be higher--and when all that companies care about is the bottom line, terminology is key.

When a person must work multiple jobs to barely stay afloat. There's a problem. When "67% of adults requesting emergency food aid are people with jobs" (Ehrenreich 219). There is a problem. When employers are allowed to disregard safety regulations and labor laws because they rely on immigrant workers who are vulnerable to an oppressive and threatening system. We have a huge problem. When a full time job doesn't pay enough for even one person to live on..not even factoring in children, healthcare, or quality housing, food, clothes, transportation, etc. People, we have a problem! 

We have to take a stand or it's only going to get worse. Just today, California approved the usage of methyl iodide on strawberry farms. This pesticide is a known carcinogen and has numerous other negative effects on health--who is going to suffer most from its usage? The people applying it. The farm workers who will be exposed to it at close range for ten hours a day; these people have no job security, make low-wages, rarely have any form of health coverage or benefits...yet, their work gives the rest of us perfect strawberries. Talk about philanthropy. How can this even be legal?...is it because the workers are largely migrants so their health doesn't matter? Try telling that to a young pregnant woman who looses her baby from exposure to this fumigant that was proven to induce late-term miscarriages before even being considered by the Department of Pesticide Regulation. Sign the Petition to persuade California against using this harmful chemical.

As quoted in the video, the author closes her book with: "Someday...they [the working poor] are bound to tire of getting so little in return and to demand to be paid what they're worth. There'll be a lot of anger when that day comes, and strikes and disruption. But the sky will not fall, and we will all be better off for it in the end."

That "someday" that Ehrenreich referred to, it better come soon.

*Also as a side, yet highly relevant, note--check out: Dream Act 2010 to help make a difference for students who are connected closely with some of the issues I talked about above.

Because our love is strong...

Buddha once said, "Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind." 

With the same idea in mind, a Christian theologian named Lewis Smedes says, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and realize that prisoner was you."

And Mahatma Gandhi adds that, "the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." 

It seems to be the common consensus that forgiveness is one of the many secrets to personal growth and inner strength. I have a couple of questions about this:

1. Where is the connection between forgiveness and forgetting? They seem to be tied together a lot of the time. If you forget without forgiving, are you still carrying that burden on your mind?...are you still a prisoner waiting to be freed? Can you ever fully forget if you never forgive?

2. Why is the emphasis always put on forgiving instead of apologizing? We seem to think of forgiveness as this noble duty that people should always strive for. But if you've been wronged and the cause of it has never extended an apology, why is it your burden to forgive? Gandhi says it makes you strong, but I don't know that it's fair to call someone weak for not releasing another of the wrong they've done them without first receiving compensatory regards. 

I hold the concept of forgiveness on somewhat of a pedestal. I do think that you will never be fully free of something until you forgive, but I also think that forgiveness isn't 100% necessary to forget. In addition, I don't think that you're obligated to forgive someone if you haven't been offered a sincere and honest apology--that goes the opposite way too though, if you have been offered the apology, then pure forgiveness should be your ultimate goal. 

I guess what I'm feeling is somewhat of an annoyance at the plethora of rhetoric that tells us we must forgive or else we are weak and chained to our past. This ideology lets people off the hook even if they've really hurt another person. I don't understand why we value forgiveness and simultaneously teach people that, as writer P.G Wodehouse says, “it is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.”

We have to meet in the middle. With a sincere apology, forgive and forget. Without it, do the same, but only if you want to. 

In the grips of a hurricane

I have to tell you about an experience I had a couple of days ago...

There was a man walking in front of me down the street, he tried talking to a woman who passed him.

She acknowledged his presence for a split second then continued on her way.

From the way the man was dressed, and by his outward appearance,

my immediate trust level was not extremely high. 

I had my ipod on and attempted to pass the man without any interaction. 

He hesitantly looked over at me and said hello. 

I smiled and kept walking, he looked like he wanted to engage in further conversation.

I took out one of my earbuds and asked him how he was doing. 

He smiled and said just fine, then asked if I knew anything about the news on North Korea (it was the same day the headlines were rolling with news on tension between the North and South) 

I turned my ipod off and explained the details I had picked up throughout the day while we walked together for quite a while discussing our fears about potential conflict and hopes for peace. 

When we had to separate, he looked at me. Smiled. And said "don't be scared now" and gave a friendly wave as he walked off. 

I've had time to reflect on this moment and recognize the entire interaction as one that challenged my understanding of myself and helped me grow as a person. When I think about how I relate with other people, trust comes up quite a bit. Stereotypes, so deeply ingrained in me and others, shape our relationships and connections with strangers. 

I prematurely judged this man. A mistake I've made in the past and will make in the future. I take this experience as one to show me, once again, that people are so much more than what appears on the surface. This man's last comment about not being afraid, it put my fears to rest. That may seem silly, but in our five minute conversation we developed a bond of mutual respect and trust. 

Talk to strangers. If, out of fear, you don't...think about how many amazing individuals will walk in and out of your life without even receiving the warmth of your smile. And think about how many beautiful faces you'll never get to appreciate. Open those doors, break down the walls that prevent you from connecting with the world and the people around you on a deeper level. 

Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving, I do.

I think it's a good time to do something we should be doing every single day of our lives--acknowledging the things we're grateful for.

What I don't like, is the way we are taught to think about the holiday. We're brought up to whole- heartedly believe that the pilgrims invited "the indians" to their dinner table and they all shared in this wonderful feast of turkey, potatoes, and stuffing together and in peace. (note-many of the foods we currently eat on thanksgiving-rice and sweet potatoes in particular-came to America from Africa during the 18th Century with enslaved people). 

With this view of history, we are allowed to ignore the truth. We celebrate and give thanks, but the holiday is actually a very sad reflection of a greater societal issue. Why do we learn about "the pilgrims" and "the indians" and never have to learn the name of the Wampanoag tribe? What exactly are we giving thanks for in the traditional sense?...is it the systematic extermination of indigenous peoples that characterized the colonial period and made land available to Europeans?

Why do we celebrate a false history of friendship and mutual respect? Because it's easier perhaps? Yes, it's far easier to teach white children that their ancestors came to America and made friends with the native people rather than explaining genocide, smallpox, and hostility. 

It may be easier that way. But that is no excuse for erasing the true history of America. We have to be careful about the way we celebrate this holiday. Instead of making it about the "shared feast between the pilgrims and the indians,"let's make it about recognizing the terrible injustice that defines our true past. Let's make it about sitting in our privilege and understanding our history from a non-white perspective while making a commitment that it will never ever repeat itself. 

Let's also not ignore the strength in cultural traditions; give thanks for the things in your life that make you happy.

I am thankful for my family, my roommates, my co-workers, my friends, good books and the sight to read them with, music and the ability to hear it, love, the support I receive from the people in my life, my job, the opportunity to attend a University, and so much more.